Tag Archives: Dawn of War II

On Tyranids, Labiears and Elfgina.

It’s probably best not to ask questions about the title of this particular post, particularly ones pertaining to the meanings of the words “Labiear” and “Elfgina”. I’m sure those of you with a more “active” imagination have already figured it out and are rolling your eyes, but these words did seem exceptionally funny coming through Deks microphone during a game of Warhammer 40k: Dawn of War II beta.

Val Kilmer appears as the Force Commander
Val Kilmer appears as the Force Commander

I’ve got to say, I want to buy this game. It’s a good game, it’s mostly well balanced (mostly) and is about the most fun I’ve had with an online RTS for a while, the only rival in my eyes being Company of Heroes, which is also by Relic, and has the unfortunate issue of never fucking connecting to any other users.

It seems to me that DoW2 will have some of the same online lobby issues that plagued CoH, namely the words “NAT negotiation failed”, but it seems thus far to a lesser extent. Which is a step in the right direction, or possibly just a step in the direction of making it somewhat plausible to actually get a game started within the first fucking excruciating hour of trying.

I don’t understand what the issue is, Relic. There’s a million and one online games in the word, all sucking money out of adults and children alike in exchange for the joy of obliterating another person over the internet, so why is it that a company so established that makes such fantastic games cannot seem to master connecting people to each other to allow such obliteration to occur?

There’s obviously some bizarre fact I’m missing, maybe all RTS games have this issue and I’ve just not been playing any of the others enough online to experience it, or maybe there’s some sort of conspiracy I just don’t know about in which Relic are being victimized by the very internet itself. All I know for sure is that it’s fucking annoying.

While I’m on the subject of gaming, what the fuck was Call of Duty 5 about? Why is it every time Infinity Ward go afk to take a piss Treyarch leap into their shadow and make a terrible game that pales in comparison its predecessor? Seriously, the entire reason I bought CoD5 was the Co-op. I like co-op because I have a number of internet (and REAL LIFE™) friends that I like to play internet (but not REAL LIFE™) games with (I’m too lazy for REAL LIFE™ games) and the first time we tried to play the fucking thing it absolutely refused to let us.

My immediate thought at that point in time was “Okay, fuck you then” and I’ve not launched the game since making it a serious waste of money. Not to mention the fact that after installing and launching the game once, it crashed and ever since my drive refuses to read the fucking disc. It reads another CoD5 disc fine, it reads every other disc fine, my disc reads fine in another machine, but my disc, in my machine, post-installation? Not a chance.

I’ve not seen something so fundamental fuck up so badly since I tried to launch Farcry2 and was presented with a plethora of bizarre errors and warnings that I completely ignored only to have the game launch and play absolutely fine until it inevitably crashed like the unstable pile of shit it is. Farcry 2 was very pretty & quite fun, but less stable than your grandmother balancing on the end of Mike Tyson’s dick.

Moving swiftly on and away from gaming before I start talking about Warhammer Online again, and inevitably spiral downwards into describing how much of a bunch of self righteous pricks a certain EU guild happen to be.

Onto the serious business, because as I’m sure you’re aware, I’m all about the serious business.

I just completed working on www.davidillustration.com and I’m going to selfishly plug it here, because it’s my fucking blog and I can. It was, of course, built to client spec and while there’s a couple of things I’d have done differently were it for myself I am for the most part pleased with the final product. Check it out, the artist I built it for has a lot of talent and I’m sure will be carving himself out a market share given the time and effort that all things require.

It dawned on me this morning that I’m now old enough to look to what I was doing almost 10 years ago as fond memories of dicking off causing trouble for other people, being an obnoxious teenager and playing computer games.

Actually, the only thing that’s really changed is that I’m not a teenager anymore and I get out less…

Well, really a lot has changed, as things inevitably do, and I found myself missing the old haunts and after school LAN gaming sprees. Inevitably with a LAN there were people I liked and people I wanted to smash into their keyboard so hard that the next time they took a shit they’d be able to spell their name in the toilet, but the memories are mostly good ones. I have to wonder how much overnight LANs fueled by excessive energy drinks (inevitably the very cheap alternatives such as “Boost”) screwed me up.

I also have to wonder whether the people who ran the place ever did figure out that my gaming rage and their broken mice were not seperate problems.

Okay, I’m done reminiscing, presumably this odd occurance was caused by it being my 24th birthday this month and me starting to realise that I need to stop fucking around sooner or later, preferably sooner.

Probably later.

For the sake of dipping into the subject of anime before I close this post that has run rampant and will no doubt break 1000 words before I’m done blathering on about getting ever closer to a midlife crisis, I suggest watching Ga-Rei Zero. I recently did and it was a surprise package. It begins with some very typical cliche action and it does carry a little of that with it throughout, but it will catch you by surprise and it’s an entirely enjoyable series.

This series made me want Pocky.
This series made me want Pocky.

Schoolgirl + Pocky + Katana? Yep, works for me.

That’s all for now. If you’ve kept with me all the way through this one I salute you.