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This shit is bananas.

B A N A N A S!

Ever since the announcement regarding Keanu Reeves involvement with the Cowboy Bebop live action adaptation I’ve heard a lot of nay saying and people claiming that Reeves can’t act.

Now, the rather touchy subject of whether Keanu Reeves can act aside – because if I’m honest, I’m undecided on the subject, I like him, but who the fuck am I to judge acting talent? Infact, who the fuck are you to judge acting talent? That aside, I have simply chosen to convince myself that it could be worse.

It could be much, much worse.

Exhibit A
Exhibit A

Yes, yes indeed, I did put Spike’s hair on Vin Diesel, a man with less hair than the moon. Spike Diesel, as I like to call him, would certainly be nothing short of an abomination. I was tempted to make another of these, with Jason Statham, but honestly I have enough shit to waste my free time on already without making a multitude of ridiculous pictures just for you idiots.

To summarize, Keanu Reeves is great, so shut up.

Seen as will likely become my online portfolio, unless I spontaneously decide to turn the dog into a brand (funny but unlikely), I started working on a frontpage for it.

This could be something like what the future of claymoredog could possibly maybe after a great deal of changes look not entirely unlike.

Still early days, but eh.
Still early days, but eh.

Truthfully I’ve always liked very light greys & subtle gradients mixed with bursts of orange, so I’ll probably stick with this unless something unexpected and shocking kicks its way into my ever dazed brain and convinces me otherwise.

Back on the entertainment front, Dawn of War 2 beta has been quite a bit of fun for me, even if I can often be heard blowing steam out of my ears while profanity pours out of my mouth at *insert unit* or *insert “tactic”* and FEAR 2 looks absolutely fucking terrifying.
I gave up on FEAR because I don’t really need to be that anxious, ever. It was a game that succeeded so well at scaring the shit out of me that I stopped playing it.

FEAR 2 looks like FEAR on fucking acid.

After watching someone else play the demo for a brief spell I had already concluded that the game would be a waste of money I can’t afford to expend – as ultimately I’ll never play it through anyway.

The end.

Brief, I know, but quite frankly I’m exhausted so go away.

More Flash.

Today has been a slow day of Flash experimentation and not comprehending simple functions.

With that in mind all I’ve actually pulled off was the some ridiculous circles moving around and this:

No, it’s nothing special, but it’s something I did that isn’t a tutorial, baby steps! More to come with this later I guess.

Anyway, I believe different resolutions are still seeing the comments as utterly retarded. If any of you nice people could confirm this for me then that’d be nice.

I’m sure there’s at least one of you that isn’t running 1920×1200.


Edit: This one just in, minor edit but I felt good about myself.

Edit: And again.

Flash Tutorial Complete

Despite my earlier ranting, after starting anew at a time other than 8am prior to sleep, I completed the tutorial I had earlier somehow failed.

No, completing a fucking tutorial is no achievement, but I felt like posting it anyway.

I did of course put my own spin on the tutorial in question, and with a little playing around had this:

There you have it, my first flash thingy. Whatever it is. Hurray…

Hopefully I can figure out something more impressive soon, lots of basics to learn first.

Fuck you Flash

Please someone fucking explain to me how Flash can fail to draw a piece of shit rectangle when I tell it to.

It was part of A FUCKING TUTORIAL. And not a very complicated part either. So what happened?

It’s 8am and I’ve been doing this shit for too long already, I do not have the patience for magic rectangles that don’t appear as intended, nor the patience to figure out WHY THE FUCK I CAN’T DO THE SIMPLE PART.

Fuck it I’m going to bed.

Fuck Flash and fuck blue rectangles
Fuck Flash, fuck blue rectangles, fuck off.

You Are Disabled.

It cannot be!
It cannot be!

No, I don't play Warhammer in a space suit you faggot.
No, I don't play Warhammer in a space suit you faggot.

“You Are Disabled” is Warhammer Online’s way of telling you that you’re FUBAR. The above is my approximate reaction when it happens for the 24th time in the space of 25 minutes. It’s sad, but I’m not a particularly patient person.

I have no idea who’s idea it was to give certain classes the ability to render you completely useless, but I feel it detracts from my enjoyment of the game somewhat to be repeatedly “disabled” and killed, while completely unable to do anything about it.

Now, generally I wouldn’t give a shit, it’s a game, and it’s a game in which the penalties you recieve for death are extremely lenient… Which is probably a good job considering how many times a day you get turned into a human fucking kebab by gangs of drugged up knife wielding whores. I’m looking at you, Witch Elves.

Now, generally I try not to follow the OMG NERF WITCH ELVES bandwagon, because I feel its going nowhere I want to be & is full of cretins with absolutely no concept of how to play their own class, and thus are in no way at all qualified to tell someone else theirs is easymode.

I try not to follow the bandwagon because, well, as a Witch Hunter I can generally take a Witch Elf down, provided there’s only one of them and depending on which of the abundance of these half naked crazies it happens to be…

But today I’m going to allow myself to be dragged into the wake of that particular nerfwagon with one particular skill in mind. Whoever, while designing the different classes thought it’d be perfectly okay to give a class that can cloak and does enough damage to kill most other classes in a matter of seconds a skill that knocks down everyone in their immediate area is clearly a massive faggot and should be fired immediately. Out of a fucking cannon.

Without this skill Witch Elves are not much of a pwnmobile – they’re still perfectly capable of tearing most classes to shreds, but at least those classes would have a chance to actually hit them back and perhaps swear at them a little before the deed is done; raise a defiant middle finger or attempt to leap off the nearest cliff as a final “fuck you”.

Because, after all, it’s the little things that make life worth living, right?

Speaking of life, the big RL, I should probably get my own Portfolio online, maybe make some shiny pictures for it and put this ridiculous domain name to use. I’ve almost completed the website I’m currently working on, which i’ll be sure to post a link to once it’s done, and will surely be on the online portfailio I eventually create.

Oddly I feel posting on this waste of space blog about such a thing may compel me to do it sooner, and better, and possibly harder. I’m not sure about harder. Either I’m lying to myself or this is a positive thing.

I’m probably lying to myself.

On a semi-productive note, I did finally get the thickbox loading animation to work. I would explain how I got it to work and why it wasn’t working for me in the first place, but once I actually opened the javascript to figure out what the problem was I immediately felt like a huge retard. It’s always the same with any kind of scripting or coding, the problem you just can’t find is bound to be something absolutely fucking ridiculous, like you named a file wrong, or you missed some seemingly pointless detail.

Somehow these annoying little things consistently succeed to ruin your day.

For the Eve people among you (Which likely consists of all of you, as I’m fairly sure no-one I know outside of either Eve-Online or Warhammer Online is going to put themselves through reading this shit I post, and the Warhammer people don’t know how to operate fucking bookmarks and I’m pretty sure lost the URL) here is a shot of my new Tempest. Everyone loves Tempests, they’re like the ginger kid of Tier 2 battleships.

It's so pretty, in a tetanus kind of way.
It's so pretty, in a tetanus kind of way.


I took this baby for a spin in Black Rise after having a few drinks, and after fighting two different Gallente Militia gangs solo, and running through Tama more times than is sensible without a scout, by some miracle it found its way back to the Hangar intact.

Well, mostly intact. I broke a module, scorched a few others and lost all of my drones but I feel it was a success. Even if I did only actually kill a Blackbird. Yes, I fought two gangs, ran Tama multiple times, and all I killed was one lousy fucking Blackbird. The first gang also had a Falcon, the second managed to shut me down with just ECM drones. It’s really a miracle the ship survived at all.

Maybe I’ll undock it again before 2010.

Here’s hoping.

That’s all the happiness I have to share for today.

Happy New Year, etc.


So today has been what I would classify as just another day, I woke up ludicrously late after falling asleep excessively late, wandered around aimlessly making grunting sounds like a down syndrome kid until I’d consumed my “morning” cup of tea, and then almost impaled myself on my wonderful IKEA desk.

Oh how sweet, a long piece of metal sticking out of the front of my desk!
Oh how sweet, a long piece of metal sticking out of the front of my desk!

Okay, what the fuck, that’s not something that usually happens. Why is there no screw holding my keyboard shelf together? Obviously my first move was to attempt to find this screw and restore to its rightful place, ie; somewhere that prevents my desk becoming a fucking DIY disembowelment kit. Alas no, I have failed, the screw has yet to be located.

So what to do now? Find a makeshift solution? Continue looking for the screw? Find a job? Play Warhammer Online?

Yeah you got me, I played Warhammer Online. God damn I hate being predictable.

I logged in to discover that failure was occuring in the vicinity of Kadrin Valley, a lovely place full of fat midgets, whos only noticable gender seperation is that the women shave their beards off, while the men allow theirs to grow as long as possible, presumably as compensation for what very small people would inevitably be lacking elsewhere.

Once I observed our warband get utterly wiped trying to break the second door of the southern keep I decided to go elsewhere, somewhere with a nicer atmosphere, maybe somewhere sunny. Or maybe Sigmar’s Crypts.

Phae shows me some of her "fighting moves" while we wait for the others. :/
Phae shows me some of her "fighting moves" while we wait for the others. :/

Okay, it’s not a very nice place, and it’s not very sunny, but I got a Sentinel piece out of it so fuck you.

Plus, the game decided that our Archmage was more of an exhibitionist than expected, and removed all of her armour. Well, removed it on my screen. Everyone but me was seeing robes, I         have to admit this is the first time I’ve had a bug in an online game that I felt a desire to replicate in RL. Unfortunately the design for RL is a great deal less interesting.

If there is a god, perhaps he should fuck off and let Mythic/GOA run things for a while. They’ll fuck everything up but hey, if I get magic eyes out of the deal then I can make do.

So there you have it, I played Warhammer for a bit, I got myself a shiny new belt for my internet Witch Hunter, and then…

Well. Lets overlook the fact that I actually, in RL terms, achieved absolutely fuck all aside from losing a couple of hours of my life to a game, and move on to what happened next. I presume it was loud, I can only presume, as I had my headphones on. My headphones I know for a fact are loud.

But, it was bound to be loud, I mean, when large pieces of metal fall off walls onto other pieces of metal it generally is, right?

Yeah, you’re starting to get the picture now. I learned, while I was gleefully roaming around crypts convincing the undead that they should have stayed the fuck in their various coffins or tombs, that the extractor/light/large metal thing that can usually be found hovering above our cooker screwed into the wall between two cupboards was infact no longer screwed into the wall between two cupboards, but in fact had faceplanted onto the cooker itself.

Ah, what a day, I say.

Visual aid provided, because I don’t trust most of you to have the necessary brainpower to piece together the jigsaw of description I’ve provided you.

No, it's not the worlds largest George Foreman grill, you fucking cretin.
No, this is in fact NOT the worlds largest George Foreman grill.

Merry fucking Christmas. Maybe tomorrow my computer will discover that it is infact not a computer but a container full of semtex and explode unexpectedly while I’m taking a shower, or eating breakfast. Who knows what’s coming next, but they say these things come in threes, right?

Nevermind. Soon I will be at my parents place eating free food, drinking and likely calling my friends while enebriated to slur down the phone at them. It wouldn’t be the first time (ffs).

I bid thee farewell for now.

Oh, and first real blog post. What a load of shit it was too. Yaaay!

Y Helo.

I have arrived on the interwebs, I come for your pron, your on line gaems and ur gundam.

This is a test post because I want to test it and if you have a problem with my testing this with a test post then you should probably test your ability to GET THE FUCK OFF MY BLOG.

Ah, sweet freedom of speech, I love you, internet, despite all your faggotry.

And here’s a test image, because testing images is a pretty good way to test images.

Not likely.

Continuing to test, because well, there’s not much use in testing a test post with testy test less than testing test four lines is there Mr Test Post.

No, didn’t think so, and you know why? Because all my other posts are going to be heavily populated with the various rantings, complaints and general disapproval of whatever-the-fuck-it-is-you-idiots-do that you no doubt are expecting already.

And well, really, there’s nothing you can do to prevent it.

Sucks for you I suppose.

Yours truly,

– Dan

A poorly curated amalgamation of almost nothing but swear words