So today has been what I would classify as just another day, I woke up ludicrously late after falling asleep excessively late, wandered around aimlessly making grunting sounds like a down syndrome kid until I’d consumed my “morning” cup of tea, and then almost impaled myself on my wonderful IKEA desk.
Okay, what the fuck, that’s not something that usually happens. Why is there no screw holding my keyboard shelf together? Obviously my first move was to attempt to find this screw and restore to its rightful place, ie; somewhere that prevents my desk becoming a fucking DIY disembowelment kit. Alas no, I have failed, the screw has yet to be located.
So what to do now? Find a makeshift solution? Continue looking for the screw? Find a job? Play Warhammer Online?
Yeah you got me, I played Warhammer Online. God damn I hate being predictable.
I logged in to discover that failure was occuring in the vicinity of Kadrin Valley, a lovely place full of fat midgets, whos only noticable gender seperation is that the women shave their beards off, while the men allow theirs to grow as long as possible, presumably as compensation for what very small people would inevitably be lacking elsewhere.
Once I observed our warband get utterly wiped trying to break the second door of the southern keep I decided to go elsewhere, somewhere with a nicer atmosphere, maybe somewhere sunny. Or maybe Sigmar’s Crypts.
Okay, it’s not a very nice place, and it’s not very sunny, but I got a Sentinel piece out of it so fuck you.
Plus, the game decided that our Archmage was more of an exhibitionist than expected, and removed all of her armour. Well, removed it on my screen. Everyone but me was seeing robes, I have to admit this is the first time I’ve had a bug in an online game that I felt a desire to replicate in RL. Unfortunately the design for RL is a great deal less interesting.
If there is a god, perhaps he should fuck off and let Mythic/GOA run things for a while. They’ll fuck everything up but hey, if I get magic eyes out of the deal then I can make do.
So there you have it, I played Warhammer for a bit, I got myself a shiny new belt for my internet Witch Hunter, and then…
Well. Lets overlook the fact that I actually, in RL terms, achieved absolutely fuck all aside from losing a couple of hours of my life to a game, and move on to what happened next. I presume it was loud, I can only presume, as I had my headphones on. My headphones I know for a fact are loud.
But, it was bound to be loud, I mean, when large pieces of metal fall off walls onto other pieces of metal it generally is, right?
Yeah, you’re starting to get the picture now. I learned, while I was gleefully roaming around crypts convincing the undead that they should have stayed the fuck in their various coffins or tombs, that the extractor/light/large metal thing that can usually be found hovering above our cooker screwed into the wall between two cupboards was infact no longer screwed into the wall between two cupboards, but in fact had faceplanted onto the cooker itself.
Ah, what a day, I say.
Visual aid provided, because I don’t trust most of you to have the necessary brainpower to piece together the jigsaw of description I’ve provided you.
Merry fucking Christmas. Maybe tomorrow my computer will discover that it is infact not a computer but a container full of semtex and explode unexpectedly while I’m taking a shower, or eating breakfast. Who knows what’s coming next, but they say these things come in threes, right?
Nevermind. Soon I will be at my parents place eating free food, drinking and likely calling my friends while enebriated to slur down the phone at them. It wouldn’t be the first time (ffs).
I bid thee farewell for now.
Oh, and first real blog post. What a load of shit it was too. Yaaay!