Category Archives: Movies/TV

Kerplonk

So I’m going to skip the “oops didn’t post for 8 months lol” stuff this time, and jump straight in to some movie business.

Last weekend I watched In Time, that new heavily advertised movie starring none other than JustIn Timeberlake (ucwotididthar?) and Amanda Seyfried. I went in to this one with low expectations and a quiet sigh – it wasn’t my choice of movie and I was expecting it to be absolute mindless trash.

Well, as far as the premise for the movie goes, I wasn’t wrong – let me get this bit out of the way before I surprise you – this movie makes no fucking sense whatsoever, and I mean NO SENSE. This is Transformers 2 level nonsense but without any huge robots smashing shit up, if you were to open a tin of beans, pour the contents in to your pants and then pelvic thrust your way across a tight rope I would say you would be about as sensible as the premise for this movie.

The set up for this is obvious when the movie starts with a line along the lines of “I would explain why shit is all fucked up like it is but I don’t have time”.

That translated loosely to me as “I know this makes absofuckinglutely no sense but it’ll be cool so just roll with it k?”

Now that’s out of the way, I want to get to the surprising part – Justin Timberlake is not rubbish.

No, seriously, he does a good job and after a couple of minutes I stopped expecting him to start screeching shitty lyrics in a high pitched voice and started watching a character play out a story, which wasn’t the 2 hours of Justin Timberlake acting like a prick that I’d predicted.

Timberlake does a decent job and this is mirrored by Amanda Seyfried, who usually gets the “dumb bitch” roles in movies because she’s blonde and looks kind of ditzy – here she not only fits in to the role nicely, but looks absolutely smoking hot the entire way through the movie.

Olivia Wilde makes an awkward appearance, though it’s only awkward because she plays the role of In Timeberlake’s mum, an intentional move to highlight the never ageing thing. Unfortunately SPOILER ALERT she fucking dies because she can’t afford the bus fare.

Let me reiterate that, Olivia Wilde’s character, Rachel Salas, died because she couldn’t afford bus fare.

Despite my… reservations about the premise, and the plot in general, this movie was actually enjoyable to watch, as were Amanda Seyfried’s legs.

What?

One Month Later…

Well, it’s been just over a month since my last post, but close enough right? I’ve been fairly occupied with work, Starcraft II, blowing up some WTs in Eve-Online and driving around things in a circular fashion in World of Tanks.

I’ll start where the last paragraph ended I suppose, seen as my previous post was focused in its entirety on World of Tanks. I progressed to the T-44, have acquired a Jagdpanther for ‘lols’ and am currently arsing around in a T-28 on a bit of a quest to get in to some form of IS series heavy tank.

SC2 I’m going to skip over as a subject, because ultimately I’m not particularly good at it.

The compulsory Eve update section.

Eve-Online however, oh my… In an explosion of boredom induced frustration I spontaneously declared war on the first Alliance that earned my ire while spamming ‘Show Info’ on random people in Airkio.
The winner was ‘House of Gaming’, and they earned the war due to a horrific inability to spell, highlighted by a pretty depressing alliance description.

The war lasted a single week only, despite some smack from a few of their members they weren’t up to much, and when their executor returned (he was away from the game apparently) he turned up in our public channel and expressed his desire to surrender.

Our demands were simple, of course, he seemed like a nice enough guy and I felt no need to be particularly unreasonable – so we requested they amend the errors in their alliance description and forward apologies to a member of ours that they had talked a bit of smack to.

With that over with, we’re currently shooting at an alliance called ‘United European Star-Force’, who I felt deserved it simply for having such a stupid fucking name.

Despite allegedly having some PVP focus we’ve seen nothing of them since our very first engagement – in which we jumped in to their positioned force of 14 ships with our 6 fast-movers, and promptly trashed the better part of their fleet. 10 downed without loss, despite three ECM Scorpions being positioned at sniper range.

Even though we’d almost certainly humiliated them beyond expectation, they were quite amicable about the entire ordeal and assured us they weren’t finished there.

Well, all I’ve seen since was two corporations leave the alliance, and a single Mining Barge that wasn’t quite bright enough to depart an asteroid belt before I came out of warp with a whoosh and exploded him with a bang.

The Non-Eve bits

Relevant to my interests is Highschool of the Dead – an anime devoted to schoolgirls with massive tits fighting zombies in an extremely over the top manner. I have an inbuilt appreciation for stuff like this, even though it’s quite clear the story will be a load of absolute bollocks and it’s about as sensible as North Korea.

Highschool of the Dead bullet dodging
This is what the Matrix would have looked like had Neo been a Japanese schoolgirl with massive breasts.

Additionally, since my previous post, I finished both seasons of Life on Mars, and continued on to watch all three seasons of Ashes to Ashes – they’re an excellent watch, particularly for Phillip Glenister as Gene Hunt, who could well be described as ‘fucking awesome’.

Gene Hunt
"This investigation is moving at the speed of a spastic in a magnet factory"

Additionally, I revisited Dead Set, as I didn’t watch the entire thing when it was airing – great three part zombie piece set on big brother, recommended for a nice, quiet, zombie-night-in.

WoT stands for World of Tanks and wall of text.

So, with our Eve corporation not actually playing Eve (unless targets are presented on a platter, a gang is already formed and they are cordially invited to attend by persons leading said gang, via Ventrilo) I’ve been mostly playing the World of Tanks beta, which while occasionally infuriating to a degree I cannot explain unless you ask me within three seconds of my T-34-85’s ammo rack exploding, is actually a bit of a lark.

I imagine it’s a bit less exciting for people who play tank destroyers, and sit in bushes like Wiley-fucking-Coyote waiting for an unsuspecting Roadrunner to happen across their crosshairs, but for me and my medium tank it’s either death, glory, death and glory, or death followed by a string of unrepeatable obscenities. I like it best when it’s just glory.

It’s a game that doesn’t really fit under the MMO title but seems to have fallen in to the trap of masquerading as one, much like so many games these days that seem to want to ‘ride the wave’. MMOs have such a high turnover rate these days that there are few with consistent player bases, and most of the ones that do have player numbers that are dwarfed by the number they launched with. The examples I’d use are Warhammer Online and Aion, simply because I played them myself and later moved on. In fact, Eve is the only MMO that I maintain a consistent ‘relationship’ with, Eve seems to have become the online gaming equivalent of a wife, comparative to other MMOs which would surely qualify as nothing but mistresses or passing fancies, who are not cut out for the long run.

Nonetheless, World of Tanks masquerades, even though the actual game system is much more like an FPS – even the more “massively” orientated attributes are easily matched by FPS games these days, as the progression doesn’t go much deeper than play matches in tanks > gain experience & cash > unlock and buy new tanks. Not entirely different from unlocking new weapons in say, Battlefield Bad Company 2, surely?

Really the only thing that sets it apart from the usual FPS system is the restrictive reliance on credits, you have to pay for ammo and tank repairs after a battle, which can be more expensive than the coin you make from winning it if you’re storming around (crawling around more like) the battlefield in a Tiger or larger. There’s a lot of armour to superglue back on to a Tiger tank after it’s taken a good old fashioned twatting, so you get bills big enough to push you in to using lighter tanks as money makers so that you can afford to use your larger ones.

All of this said, it’s a good laugh, and once there’s a team system in place that’ll allow grouping with friends (we currently count down from three on Ventrilo and all hit “Battle” at the same time, then hope to god we got in to the same match) the experience will only improve. I’m not convinced of the longevity of the game, but perhaps the lack of a subscription will compensate for that. No sub means you can pick up and play when it suits you, and the optional micro-transactions don’t seem too game breaking.

Anyway, I would talk about anime as usual but I’ve not really watched any. Since I finished Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood I’ve watched maybe 2 episodes of Highschool of the Dead, and that’s about it.

What I have been watching after some demands on the part of a friend, is Life on Mars, which has been pretty awesome so far. I’m currently just over half way through the second season and I’ve no doubt that I’ll have finished it and be hitting up Ashes to Ashes some time this week.

Now that I’ve provided something resembling an update, even if mostly a muddled explanation of my opinion of World of Tanks, I’m going to get on with ordering myself a takeaway, as it is the weekend, I’m hungry and I can’t blog and operate Just-Eat at the same time without fucking one up entirely.

Final note before I sign off is this: If you have a bizarrely named domain such as, I don’t know, ClaymoreDog.com, and you’re asked by work colleagues what the name is about, don’t try to explain, it’s not possible to do it any kind of sensible way.

Udon noodles are great

But Udon noodles and their inherent greatness aside, there are some other great things making an appearance. In between my bordering-on-excessive Bones spree (I’m late to the party I know) I’ve noticed that Hollywood is going to be spitting out some good fun in the near future and the now.

Generally I try to be one of those elitist gits that insists Hollywood movies are all woefully shit and should take some pointers from world cinema, rather than simply doing a terrible job of “adapting” asian cinema for western audiences, but that doesn’t mean Hollywood doesn’t have its diamonds, specifically, the best full-on action movies. No-one really blows shit up quite as impressively.

For example, while Spiderman was turned into a complete wuss, particularly in the third movie (Evil influence means getting yourself confused with an emo John Travolta and being rude to people apparantly) Iron Man on the other hand was fantastic, on a pie chart it’d be 60% awesome 15% victory and 25% fuck yeah.

So with that in mind, I’m thoroughly looking forward to seeing Iron Man 2, and if you’re not then I think there must be something very wrong with you and I’d recommend making an appointment to see your Doctor.

I’m also looking forward to watching Law Abiding Citizen, which judging by the trailer, mostly reminds us that while you can take Gerard Butler out of Sparta, you can’t take the Sparta out of Gerard Butler.

The third movie I’m going to mention may actually cause low resolution televisions to explode due to breaching some sort of action hero capacity level. Hell, it wouldn’t surprise me if the studio it was filmed in was turned to rubble in the wake of attempting such a lofty task.

Plot be damned, this has to be watched.